From an emailed critique this a.m., re: a proposed year-end appeal:
Hello from France, my friend...
It's not a strong letter, I regret to say. Of course, I really can't judge it without knowing to whom you're sending it. Effective letters are built backwards from their target audience(s).
Why not strong?
It opens slowly, with a 52-word paragraph. That's a closed door, not a welcome mat. The general rule: first paragraph is just a few words long.
Welcome ... I hope.
That was the opening paragraph of a high-performing direct mail appeal I wrote. Feel free to steal.
The type's too small. The line length is too long (no more than 70 characters; yours stretches to 113). The paragraphs are un-indented (the wrong style choice in the US for personal correspondence, as opposed to business). The preferred font choice on paper is a serif not a sans serif.
It's swimming in jargon like "cohort."
It's an interesting argument you present but honestly it's too complicated.
The formula for good offers [as proposed by Jim and Steven at The Better Fundraising Co.] is:
- The problem's easy to understand.
- The solution's easy to understand.
- A gift is affordable.
- There's some urgency.
And I see none of the above. This letter is in my judgment built to fail, not succeed.
Sorry to be so brutal. I figured you'd want it straight.
~ tom
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And she graciously thanked me. Phew.