The Little Words Mean the Most

Satellite view of Saudi dunes

Soup or soap

Open kimono? All will be revealed

I once worked for a company. A bunch of "masters of the universe" ran it.

They recruited jet fighter pilots as salesmen (no women). Here's why: in this business, you dealt primarily with government officials.

Now, if by the term "government officials," you are imagining a herd of valedictorians, please stop. You are distorting the universe.

My employer deployed fighter pilots as a sort of testosterone intimidation factor. It worked especially well "offshore" (i.e., any country beyond the reach of incorruptible government regulators). Fighter pilots said, by implication: The sky's the limit!

A more sobering view landed the day one of our favorite fighter sales jocks was canned, for gross dereliction of duty: he'd delivered no outrageous revenues.

Being a hero, turns out, is no excuse for low sales.

I learned a lot of things when I worked at that company.

I learned that, comparatively speaking, Genghis Khan was good with people. The nickname for our personnel department was "Inhuman Resources." In the department's defense, a company with bottle-rocket growth will tend toward mood swings.

I learned (and this has proved useful every day of my life) that no one's necessarily benign.

And that everyone's afraid.

I learned that the difference between good and evil can be left to the lawyers. Actually, that's a joke: this way, cynicism comes. In fact, you do know in your heart what's right. We are simply built that way, except for the psychopaths. Knowing what's right is part of evolution.

And, finally, I learned some useful slang. Here's a phrase a founding executive taught me: "Open kimono."

As in, "We're going into this procurement process open kimono."

Which means: Hide nothing. Expose it all.

Of course (small cough), there was always something that had to be hidden. There was always something you desperately hoped "they" wouldn't find out. This one time ... [curtain falls]

Trust me, you are

We heck love Porter Airlines

I have every intention ...

... of ruining my hearing. Because they had the best reviews, I bought an audio engineer's headset from Audio-Technica. They shut you off completely from the world. Lord, they are exquisite. Never expected. Dangerously perfect. Bury me with these headsets blasting.

See this guy?

  At the Stephen Thomas dinner in Toronto for "foreign" speakers, we agreed that a movie called Kick Ass was probably the fundraising film of the year. Two songs are permanently engraved on my iPod: (1) Kick A*s (Mike & Redone) and (2) Bad Reputation (The Hit Girls). She calls for "guitar!" How cool is that? Fundraisers call for this: "Newsletter!" How cool.

Dear President Obama: #1

Yes, I know I don't know shit. About how government REALLY works. You. Harvard! Me. Brown? Yet I voted for you. And you know why? Deep-fried honestly? Because you were the best anyone had to offer. After 8 years of pretending to be Canadian citizens, Simone and I loved you ... for your promise. You were so NOT them.

Personality disorder declared nil

Good news. I think so, anyhow. "Narcissistic personality disorder, characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance and the need for constant attention, has been eliminated from the upcoming manual of mental disorders, which psychiatrists use to diagnose mental illness." (Globe and Mail, December 2010). Apparently, narcissism turned out to be just human nature. Of course, marketers (and fundraisers [and producers of reality shows]) knew this ages ago. Narcissism is fundamental? Duh. Look at you. Look at me, for criminy's sake. Everybody wants to be rich and famous. Though, DON'T group those two together automatically: after all, my sweet, lots and lots of famous people do die defenselessly poor.

The other reason the Toronto conf. is so cool

You meet people you instinctively like and admire, like this bunch. Company policy: no multi-syllabic names. The sign in French translates as, "Forgive us. Railroads are an industrial pride machine. But they come so fast! To be on the safe side, do not eat your picnic here." Official translation from the Professional Union of Our Language is Longer than Your Language.